What I Can't Stop Learning

This is actually something I wrote over the summer. But I could have written it yesterday or a year ago. I don't know if this is true for everyone, but there seems to be one thing that I just can't learn. Or, maybe I do actually learn it, but forget it pretty much the next day - or maybe just the next minute. I can't learn faith. Maybe I can, it's just that I haven't yet. I want to - I need to - but that lesson just doesn't seem to stick.

I grew up hearing about Noah and Gideon and Ruth and Abraham and Mary... those people had FAITH. I think maybe I just thought that the longer I was a believer, the more my faith would grow, and then one day, I would wake up with my name in Hebrews. Ok, I didn't actually, truly believe that. But I certainly thought it would be easier than this to just have faith.

I mean, I know all the stories. The good ones, the crazy ones, the really big, out-of-this-world-and-if-it-happened-today-I-wouldn't-even-believe-it ones. And I do believe them. I've listened to him tell me in his book how incredibly powerful and in control he is. I know the parts of his plan that he lets us in on, and have read the story of how it all plays out. I could give you examples and quote you passages that I memorized when I was 10 and tell you all the right things about how you can (and should) completely trust him. I could give you killer advice. It's just that when it comes to my own heart, my own faith, most of the time I find myself lacking.

Here's the thing. I like change. Without it, life would be boring, unchallenging, unmotivating. But I like change on my own terms, in my own way. I was completely thrilled when I got the opportunity last year to come and teach in China. I wanted a change in my professional life, I wanted a change in my personal life, and I wanted to change how I viewed and impacted the world around me. (If you're confused, ask me about it in person. This is pretty much all I can say on my blog.) I liked the change I made. I like smaller changes too - like the fact that I get a new class this year in school, and I've moved into a new apartment, and I've been able to make some new friends.

But I like change on my own terms, in my own way. I do not like it when change, to me, seems negative. I do not like it when change is out of my control. I don't like it when close friends move away. I don't like it when hard things happen to my friends. I don't like it when hard things happen to me. I don't like it when the plans I've made to change change. (Confused?)

So when it comes to faith, I just keep asking myself the same question over and over. "Can I trust what he says and what he's done?" I think if I could really believe that "I will supply all your needs through JC," and that "my grace is sufficient for you," and if I could really believe all those stories that I know, then I would really have faith. Real, mountain-moving, unshakable faith. I know what he's done for me. In some cases, I know what he's done for you. In many ways, I'm incredibly glad for how he's changed my plans - and in every way, I'm glad for how he's directed my paths. But when I look at tomorrow... well, I'm working up to the mustard seed level. And maybe tomorrow's when I'll finally learn this lesson.