This Week...

It's been a difficult week. It didn't start out that way - but it's ending up that way. But it's made me stop and think, and, while that can be painful and hard, it's also a good thing. It's making me reexamine myself and what I'm doing here, and question if I can actually do this (living overseas, being an "m") for the rest of my life.

Very many of the staff members here at our school are considering not returning next year. For most of them, it's personal reasons - sick family members, going to graduate school, those sorts of things. But whatever the case, we have only 3 elementary teachers (including me) who are returning next year, and our elementary principal is considering not returning as well. And it's all a little nerve-wracking. My first reaction to finding this out was that I did not want to return either. I don't want to get "stuck" in a transitioning school (somehow I remember doing this at my last job... and I ended up in charge... I'm really not looking for a repeat of that experience). And I don't want to get left alone. But as I thought about it all day today, I remembered why I came in the first place. And truthfully, none of those reasons have changed at all. It was never about me and my comfort and it's not now either. I'll still be asking our father for direction and paying attention to what's happening, but I'm not going to leave just out of fear of the unknown.

And speaking of fear... someone mentioned to me this week that I need to be more adventurous. They were speaking of food (I have a fear of strange meat - and, really, I'm comfortable with that fear!), but I know I have other fears and weaknesses that hold me back and make me dependent on others. In all honesty, I don't really like going to unfamiliar places here on my own. My lack of language ability makes me fear what might happen if I don't know what's going on. I know, I know, I need to "get over it". But it's truly my weakness. I'm too ready to depend on others, too quick to ask for help, rather than figure it out on my own. For a while today I felt angry about it. Frustrated with myself and at the person who pointed it out.

Until I realized, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness." I don't want this to be an excuse for me, or an out. But I do find a great comfort in the fact that my inabilities, my weaknesses, my lack of self-sufficiency, might somehow, in some way, show his strength. To be honest, I really don't see it. I don't see why he can't just make me unafraid or whatever. I don't see how he is glorified in this. But if he is, in any possible way, then I will be unashamed of my weakness, unafraid to say that this is where I am - far from who I'd like to be.

And maybe in 6 months, or 2 years, or 15 years, I actually will "get over it". Until then, I'll do my best to lean on his strength - and not my own and not those around me. And I'll wait for him to glorify himself in all my many weaknesses.